Still

In a few hours I'll be on the flight back home to Malaysia. Yet there's not much excitement. My holiday has been grabbed from me. I'm feeling like a failed soldier who wants nothing but a place to hide, feeling ashamed. No proud welcoming, because strictly speaking I hadn't achieved what I'm supposed to achieve.

My good friends are trying to be supportive, to encourage me. This I understand and I'm very touched. But in the midst of their joy, I feel so lonely, so isolated, by something more than distance. I want to share their joy, but I'm blocked out by an invisible wall.

It still aches whenever the thought comes. Especially when I'm laying on the bed trying to fall asleep. Especially when I sent my friends off knowing the next time I come back here I'm going to face the challenge alone. Especially when I hear my friends who are a hundred times luckier than me complaining about their holidays.

How does it feel like to turn up your mp3 player volume so that you wouldn't hear what the people around you are saying?