But when it did happen, it was all too tremendous to take. Not to mention, the aftermath of it. I had imagined a well holiday. A true relax after one year of hard work miles away from home. Maybe some trips with friends.
And everything's gone. Just because of the unfortunate. Just because of this.
I feel that it's unfair. I feel that I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to have my confidence and self-esteem crushed and my whole wonderful holiday spoiled. And I'm angry with the unfairness. I've worked hard. I feel no shame saying this. I could have been even a few times more hard working than lots of people who have passed.
I DON'T DESERVE THIS! WHAT WRONG HAVE I DONE??
My friends, especially my good and close friends, are happily anticipating a holiday full with activities. And trying their best to come back here as late as possible.
ME? WHAT ABOUT ME?! I'm going to come back one month earlier to take my exam. Alone. In my heart I fear so much. I fear that I wouldn't be able to stand the stress. Even when I have supportive friends around me it took a great deal of conscious effort to remain positive under stress. I'm scared about facing this alone. But I don't have other choices.
Everytime the thought comes I feel sharp stabs in my heart. And all the feelings and emotions come rushing in. I feel torn. My self esteem. My confidence. My joy is mixed with sadness and anger these few days.
I want to be happy for my friends who have passed. In fact I am. However, everytime in my mind there's a mockery voice telling me I'm inferior to them. Everytime my failure is magnified in front of my eyes. Everytime the scene of the disastrous exam with the mean examiner repeated itself. How she mocked about my answer. How she criticised and accused me of not studying. How she said that I didn't even know the basics.
Everytime. I feel like a bad failure. And it's continuing to haunt me while others are happily enjoying their holidays.
I hate this, beyond words.
I want to shout. I really do. I want to shout all my hatred and anger and sadness away.
1 comment:
tat really wat i feel when i failed~~ but i hv try to accept.. nth i can do but just to accept and fight hardly next time.. really totally can feel ur feeling.. but nth i can help beside giving mentally support.. alway remember u r not facing alone.. u can ask for help anytime.. we ( ur friends ) sure will help u and try to find solutions for u d!! Dun scare~~ try to be tough ya!! jia u!! u can do it!!
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